The Dangers of Mario Bros

The Dangers of Mario Bros

June 1st, 2006, 01:46 Posted By: wraggster

Via Exploding Unicorn

If you grew up with an 8-bit Nintendo console, then your childhood was tainted by a well-oiled propaganda machine promoting vices ranging from sodomy to the metric system. The Japanese, who were still angry about losing World War II to Godzilla, deployed Mario Bros. in 1983 as a weapon through which to bring about the downfall of the Western world. Originally, Mario Bros. was not supposed to have any abbreviations in its title since shortened words displease the emperor, but Nintendo could only translate part of the word “brothers” due to budget constraints and a desire to keep their propaganda hero away from the touchy subject of race relations. For the same reasons, the original 12-brother cast was scaled back to just two. The extra plumbers would have expanded the hero lineup well beyond the standard red and green. Each of the forgotten characters could be described by one of the following words: yellow, blue, pink, invisible, wheelchair-bound, morbidly obese, heavily irradiated, perpetually drunk, attracted to animals, and serving twenty-five to life. Here is a brief examination of a few of the characters and enemies that did make the cut for Mario Bros. and the dangers they pose to modern society.

Everyone over the age of sixteen knows that Goomba was the teen heartthrob of the 1980s. This is somewhat unnerving since Goombas are walking mushrooms with overgrown eyebrows. Nintendo basically taught a generation of children to procreate with fungus. Contrary to common belief, Goombas are not dumb. Most graduate from community colleges, and a few have even managed to earn master’s degrees in fields ranging from growing on rotten logs to slowly walking back and forth. In fact, the observant will notice that the word Goomba ends with the acronym “MBA.” Unfortunately, Goombas are more or less extinct thanks to Mario’s senseless multi-game murder spree.

Koopa Troopa has always been a highly suspicious enemy because he just doesn’t seem that dangerous. I can say from personal experience that it is not very hard to jump on a turtle. Furthermore, I was disappointed to find that instead of shooting off in the distance as a deadly projectile, the shell pretty much stays where it is after making a few crunching noises. Koopa Troopa is actually an attempt by Nintendo to train the American soldiers of tomorrow to jump on reptiles, thereby making them vulnerable to the famous Japanese turtle-shaped landmine. Nintendo is also promoting its leftist agenda with this enemy since Koopa Troopa is a slang term for the masculine partner in a lesbian relationship.

Through Shy Guy, Nintendo taught a generation of youngsters that the best way to treat social anxiety disorder is by jumping on it with an overweight Italian plumber. Maybe Shy Guy would fit in and make some friends if he stopped dressing like a serial killer. In fact, Shy Guy’s original name was “Midget Jason.” Unless he was formerly an NHL superstar, Shy Guy should have realized that wearing a hockey mask is not the best way to cover embarrassing acne. In the Mario Bros. series, Shy Guy’s main weapons include listening to emo and writing angst-filled entries on LiveJournal.

Any self-respecting American should be wary of Mario for two reasons. First, Mario is supposed to be an Italian plumber, yet Italy doesn’t have indoor plumbing. Second, Mario is allegedly an Italian created by a Japanese game company, yet Italy and Japan don’t even exist on the same planet. If Mario came walking down my street, I’d lock my door based on those two factors alone, but there are many more questions that have never been answered.

For instance, if Mario is supposed to be a plumber, why is he wearing overalls, the one lower body covering that makes plumber’s crack absolutely impossible? Furthermore, if he can jump fifteen feet in the air, why doesn’t he play basketball? One can only conclude that Mario had the worst high school guidance counselor on the planet – if he graduated from high school at all. There is no reason to believe that Mario has any formal education since he never demonstrates the ability to read write. In other words, Nintendo sent American children a hero who gave up a lucrative NBA deal to pursue a career as an illiterate plumber in a country without running water. The Japanese haven’t been this direct with an attempt to destroy America since they sank the Titanic.

These are just a few of the videogames that are bringing about the ruin of Western civilization. Check back tomorrow to learn the dangers posed by pinball and Chinese checkers.

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